by Ginger
June 20, 2021
I am a conservative, evangelical Christian. And I hate being called that.
I grew up as a Southern Baptist hypocrite. I was a good girl who got good grades, with a fire of rebellion in my belly. This is simply my story.
Behaving conservatively was just the normal expectation where I grew up. As a teen, evangelism was possibly the most uncomfortable activity imaginable. Worse than being a wallflower at the dance. It meant a reluctant ride in an old van to practice “visitation.” Knocking on the doors of folks who didn’t really want to hear from us in an effort to save their souls from the pits of hell–otherwise known as inviting them to church. As if going to church is even what saves you.
Church has been, for me, the source of some of my most painful wounds and eerie surprises. Scathing gossip, unspoken rules, lingering hugs, brow-beatings, and hypocrisy. Oh, the hypocrisy. Who needs it?
As an adult, I ran. I ran to the most urban environment I could find a reason to take myself to. I kept my Bible. I read it, twisting it to say what I wanted it to say, and excusing whatever I decided to do. Shaking my feeble fists at God: YOU are the one who made me this way. I ground decades of behavior modification beneath my heels and set my own course. Modified morality to suit my striving.
Reckless, rude, and self-centered–I let the baser parts of my personality rule. The highway of my way was lonely and littered with the detritus, the wreckage of me living for me and no one else. I thought I was being myself, and yet I despised the self I was being. Deep down I am not naturally a good person, and my selfishness was increasingly being repaid to me.
I found myself on my knees at nearly thirty, promising to try it God’s way. Not the church’s way, though I’m afraid these nests of sinners are a necessary part of His plan. I have not backed down from that commitment, and it certainly isn’t due to the power of my own will. I may be strong, but I’ve been through fresh hells since that day that repeatedly threatened the wavering wick of my faith.
A bruised reed He will not break,
Isaiah 42:3
And a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish.
So why do I hate the titles like conservative and evangelical even though I am stubbornly both?
My behavior is conservative. I learned the hard way that my way is destruction, turmoil, and hurt for myself and anyone close to me. However, most conservatives seem to desire that everyone else behave conservatively. Yet behind closed doors their behavior is just as selfish as my own was. I don’t want to be that kind of conservative.
It is not my business to tell someone else how to live. Even if I were to succeed, it would only amount to behavior modification. My job is to align my behavior with what I really believe. Otherwise, what do I really believe? That God is blind? Experience tells me that He is not. I can only tell you my story, embrace my story, and leave the rest to you and Him. It’s actually a relief, to be honest.
My desire is to tell you my story, my testimony. That is evangelism. It isn’t my job to tell you that you are a sinner. We each have to figure that out for ourselves. I can only tell you what God has done in my life.
So many things that only God can do, the church has itself taken the reins to do. Denying their own broken lives piled under the rugs to point to others’ lives and cry out, demanding a change of conduct. Offering a morsel, only to snap the gift out of reach–a carrot on a stick.
Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this:
James 1:27
To visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.
The type of evangelism I practice is to give without expecting anything in return. To live differently without demanding everyone else do the same so that I am no longer different. To love others where they are, like He loved me where I was. Am. Guess what? I am STILL a big sinner.
I am a conservative, evangelical Christian . . .
But I’d hope if you knew me you wouldn’t call me that. I hope my life would point to a Jesus, perhaps not quite as “conservative and evangelical” as you were previously introduced to.
Ginger is spicy yet soothing. She isn’t everyone’s favorite. She is a middle-aged, middle of the road woman living in the middle of the United States. But don’t let that fool you. She can be fiery about what she believes in, and she embraces “different”. She took longer than average to figure out what she wanted to be when she grew up, and isn’t necessarily convinced she really has (or even wants to). Ginger is best enjoyed outside with sparkling water and a splash of vodka. Ginger is also The Mauve Report’s first contributing writer.
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