Come in. Take off your coat. Warm your feet. Have a cup of tea, and stay a while. We’re so glad you’re here.
I am both blessed and cursed with a memory that doesn’t ever seem to quit. Not looking back has never felt like an option for me; it’s almost as if the past runs concurrently with my present. Not behind me, beside me. That’s not simply my mind’s recollection alone, either. It’s blood memory, past events that came with my flesh. With work, I’ve made some level of peace with it. It has its way of helping, after all. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt so inclined to look only forward, as I do today.
You need no explanation, I know. We’ve all come with our own archives. And we all know that in reality, this is just the day after yesterday, and the day before tomorrow if we’re lucky. It always is. But today . . .
I don’t feel celebratory. I feel relief; it’s like emerging from a tunnel. I feel, “We survived this long”. Let us just keep surviving, and make the best of our days. Of course, I’ll eat my black-eye peas, maybe have a mimosa or two, or three. Yes, I have things I’m working very hard on. My forward gaze is set on some very certain things. But I have no resolutions except to simply continue. I get to do that, when so many others do not. That’s no more a cause for celebration today than it is any other day.
But . . .
I do have a warm and gentle love for this new year. I feel the freedom to just be, and the drive to be my best, in a way I never have. I love it. And here’s the best part. Nothing incredibly good has happened for me to feel that way, at least not without anything bad to balance it out. I’m here, and this year is here, with both. It wasn’t an event. It wasn’t the tick of a clock. I’m just giving that to myself, without condition. And the year will be what it is. I have no certainty, except for imperfection. I don’t know yet what the lovely light will illuminate for me, but I see it, and right now that’s enough. It won’t last forever. So while this year and I are here, while we have the time, my plan is just to nurture us both, as we are.
I feel the freedom to just be . . .
I wish you the best of the same, and a happy new year.
-Maude
January 1, 2021