Everyone is tired of political correctness, and still no one feels heard. What is our alternative to giving up?
by Mauve Maude
November 12, 2020
Identity culture exhaustion, like most kinds of exhaustion, owes much to expectation and entitlement, which bombard us from as many angles as information overload can. The social media age has convinced us that an audience for our opinions, and others’ absorption of our viewpoints is something we’re entitled to. It’s also convinced us to expect the utmost attention from anyone with even a virtual shadow in our lives. And I think it’s safe to say that some of this expectation and entitlement have leaked into our perspectives of, and our attitudes about, the real life world around us.
For many years now, even before the proliferation of social media, we’ve heard complaints about P.C. culture. Political correctness: the basic idea that everyone should be up to date on the correct way to treat, address, and refer to people in a way that empowers them. It doesn’t sound unreasonable on its surface, and the idea has done some good. But in social practice it’s an unmet expectation that’s devolved into constant ricochets of dismissive accusations–not only of those who fail to live up to the expectation, but also of people’s “hurt feelings”, people being “snowflakes”, people in general being too easily offended, and nobody being able to “say anything anymore”. These are all backfire accusations that can go any which way. One person can get offended by improper treatment, address, or reference, real or perceived, of themselves or people they love. Another can get “hurt feelings” over being called out, sometimes over conventions they honestly didn’t know or information they didn’t have. Then when people start having feelings about their feelings, in the end everybody’s hurt and fighting hard against deep-seated feelings of inferiority, either over who they are, or what they didn’t know, or both. It takes an emotionally intelligent person, indeed, to simply manage one’s own feelings and actions, and correct one’s self, so nobody else has to. But emotional intelligence, in the schema of American culture, is a newer concept than political correctness.
People start having feelings about their feelings . . . fighting hard against deep-seated feelings of inferiority, either over who they are, or what they didn’t know.
In our more recent years, again thanks to the captivating nature of social media, this feedback loop of offense, retaliation, and emotional immaturity has leapt out of Internet comment boxes and turned into a boiling pot of real-life consequences, along the lines of doxing, death threats, and “cancel culture”. Becoming offended, or being angered, has become a reason to insert one’s self and as many others as you can find to come along into someone else’s life, usually a person none of the attackers know, and do as much damage as possible to teach them a lesson, regardless of whether or not they have the facts. And considering how quickly we now expect to get information, we usually don’t have the facts. In this way, the dismissal of factual information is a destructive issue not confined to any one particular political entity.
This social stumbling block has no doubt played a huge role in the divisive climate we are currently living in. In an environment where everybody hears everybody’s opinions relentlessly, yet feel reluctant to express their own, people feel put upon and don’t feel understood. Emotional maturity is not something all are even thinking about, much less striving for. So Americans are as angry as ever, and too many are retreating as far as they can to the sides on which they feel more comfortable. We are now marginalizing ourselves.
What To Do About It
If we want to treat this illness, we have got to find a way to treat each other, address one another, and make reference to each other, without expectation or entitlement. Where we must start is with ourselves, taking responsibility for our own feelings and actions, and deciding how we’re going to treat people. When we make intentions of treating people with decency, not letting our expectations decide for us, when we suspend our belief that they owe us something, we open ourselves up to actual connection with them. And if two people can do that, that is when they will both feel heard, which is really all most people need. But it’s essential to remember each person is their own responsibility. We can’t expect other people to do it for us. We also have to decide what to do for ourselves when other people won’t meet us in this treatment.
Nobody has to scream when someone is listening.
What seems to be the chief complaint about political correctness is always having to know the “right” thing to say, “correct” terminology which changes too rapidly for much of the population, terminology that often isn’t even found outside the sphere of the subjects at hand. Second only to that complaint is the ridicule that can follow when a mistake is made.
Both of these problems can be resolved when self-responsible people follow a couple simple rules. First, be respectful of the person standing in front of you. This can be applied to people standing in front of you literally or virtually. When on the Internet, perhaps imagine that, say, an unfamiliar profile pic next to a comment under your friend’s Facebook post is a person standing in front of you, not just a name, a picture, and a typed comment you don’t like. How would you show them respect? Whether or not to show respect is a decision, that all individuals make. Second, think before you speak. Suspend your self-satisfying belief that what you are thinking must be heard.
Also, key to being heard is having a listener in the first place. If someone isn’t willing or able to listen to you, respect yourself, and save your thoughts for a different time. Nobody has to scream when someone is listening, and nobody wants to listen to someone who’s screaming.
So when we speak, how do we decide what to say and what not to say? Here is a rule even children can manage. T.H.I.N.K. Run your thoughts through these criteria: is what you’re thinking of saying True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind? If it is none of these things, keep it to yourself! If it’s some of these, keep thinking, and try to make your speech fit as many of these criteria as possible.
True
Helpful
Inspiring
Necessary
Kind
Truth is just the foundation for what we should say. We should make sure everything we say is at least true. Not lying is a pretty basic principle of decency. Truth is just the first goalpost for anything we’re thinking of saying, the bare minimum of quality. In other words, just because it’s true doesn’t mean it needs to be said.
After truth, is what you’re thinking of saying going to be helpful to anybody? Is it going to help who you’re addressing? Does it only help you? What’s to be done with the information you’re putting out there?
Can you inspire somebody to think or do something that’s good for them, or somebody else, with what you’re going to say?
And is it truly necessary that you say what you’re thinking? This one is probably the trickiest one. Does the person you’re speaking to need the information? Again, is it going to help them? Is it important to them? Or do you just feel the need, or more accurately the urge, to say it? A good rule for this one is: if your speech isn’t going to improve your listener’s life or situation in some way, immediately or in the future, and if their not knowing isn’t going to somehow hurt them or somebody else, it’s probably best to keep it to yourself for the time being. Maybe it will need to come out later. But for now, it can rest. (Caveat to this: the person directly in front of you may not be your only listener. Keep inspiration in mind.) It’s your decision.
And lastly, as truth is the foundation, think of kindness as a protective layer for your speech. Everything you say to someone else should be kind, as much as it should be true. If it’s not kind, or if you can’t say it in a kind way, don’t say it. Our environment is unkind because we’ve made it that way. Everybody decides what energy we put into the air around us, and people tend to remember how your actions make them feel, more than they remember how you crafted your words, or the legitimacy of your thoughts. Those are the imprints we leave. And once something’s said, it can’t be unsaid. That’s why it’s so important to think about it ahead of time. And take your time. Speech doesn’t have to be rapid fire.
So let’s walk this process through an imaginary scenario we’re not yet in.
The scene
What if we were to see a person we don’t know, say, in a coffee shop or the grocery store, and taking them in with our eyes, we’re not sure of their sex, or gender? Should we say something? First, be respectful. Second, THINK. Is it true we’re not sure of their sex or gender? Yes. Will it help them to say so? Not likely. Will it inspire them to do something good for themselves or other people? Doubtful they’ll take it that way. Is it necessary that we tell them we don’t know “what” they are? Do we have a real reason to engage this person in a conversation about their body or their identity? Do we need to know their sex or gender, or are we just curious? If we don’t need to know (and when we’re just out running errands, we don’t), the action most people would take here is just to kindly leave them alone. Curiosity alone doesn’t make speaking appropriate. Most people would say a polite “hello” if their eyes meet, but would otherwise be kind and mind their business.
Okay, so that was an easy one.
What if we’re actually meeting this new person, and we’re not sure how they should be addressed? First, be respectful. Second, THINK. Is it true that we don’t know how to address them? Yes. Is it helpful to say so? It may depend on the context, but probably. Will saying so be inspiring to them or to others? Maybe. Is it necessary to say we don’t know how to address them? Again, we depend on context. If our new person introduces themselves simply as “Amelia”, we can assume relatively safely that they’re identifying themselves to us as a woman. If they introduce themselves as “Harry”, we can assume relatively safely that they’re identifying themselves to us as a man.
So what if we’re not sure the identity they’re providing us with matches their anatomy (assuming we’re not trying to get involved with their anatomy in the near future, considering we’ve just met them)? If we are a person who isn’t at all familiar with this human dynamic, or if we are, but we don’t believe it’s legitimate–if their human condition doesn’t line up with our beliefs–what is simply the respectful and kind thing to say? Regardless of our comfort level with this person we’ve just met, the respectful and kind thing to say would be, “Nice to meet you.” Regardless of our comfort level, the respectful and kind thing to do in any continued conversation, would be to use the pronouns most people associate with “Amelia” or “Harry”. And if we’re told, “I’d prefer to be referred to as they”, the respectful and kind thing to do, as strange as that might seem to us, would be to refer to them as they. We can find ourselves feeling uncomfortable with any person we meet for any reason. It’s never respectful or kind to make our personal discomfort their personal discomfort. If they are not verbally abusing us or threatening us with physical harm, it’s best to just remain kind and respectful. Maybe later we can do some reading about what made us uncomfortable.
There are plenty of people who don’t feel it’s right, for people to present themselves in a manner that somehow doesn’t match their anatomy, or to do any number of things, for that matter. But being kind and respectful isn’t about being or feeling right or wrong. It’s just about being kind and respectful. Everybody needs and deserves kindness.
What if our new person introduces themselves as “Alex”, or “Chris”, or “Sam”, and in continued conversation the first pronoun we throw out there is incorrect, indicated when Alex or Chris or Sam tells us, it’s “She” when we said “he”, or “him” when we said “her”. What is the kind and respectful thing to do? The manners most of us have been taught would tell us to say “I’m sorry”, and then address them or refer to them the way he or she or they just told you to. If somebody named William asked you to refer to them as “William” or “Bill”, insisting on calling them “Billy” or “Willy” because you like that name better would be both bizarre and disrespectful.
Being kind and respectful isn’t about being or feeling right or wrong. It’s just about being kind and respectful.
Now, in the imaginary scenario we just walked through, nothing required political correctness, or remembering, or knowing ahead of time the right thing to say, not outside of basic politeness anyway. All that was required was respect for the person in front of us, and THINKing before speaking. Respect, truth, helpfulness, inspiration, and kindness are all we really need when speaking to or about other people.
So what if we’re minding our business, and being respectful (and THINKing), and somebody offends us?
If this is what we’re in the business of doing, we’ve already decided for ourselves that we are worthy of respect, and that we’re responsible for ourselves. But what we now have is an opportunity to connect with someone else, and leave them with something positive. And that’s not to say we should be spreading sunshine and brightening everybody’s day. It means they don’t have to ruin ours.
We can apply the same rules when we’re offended, as a person with the potential to offend somebody else. When people say, “treat other people the way you want to be treated”, or “we show other people how to treat us”, what they mean is that we demonstrate what we think of ourselves, not only by how we let people treat us, but also by how we treat other people. When we respect ourselves, we respect others. Not because they’ve earned it. But because we know and accept that we’re responsible for ourselves, and we want to honor it. When someone draws disrespect out of you, they’ve won something negative from you.
And THINK. Is it true this person has offended us? Yes. Is it helpful to try to offend them back? Not really. Might it be helpful to let them know how the offense made us feel? Maybe. Are they willing to listen? Can we inspire them to do something positive? It’s worth a try. Is it necessary that we tell them they’ve offended us? That could depend on the situation. Did they intend to offend? Are they just out of the loop on something? And can we tell them kindly? Can we bring them in instead of pushing them farther out?
When we respect ourselves, we respect others.
The most self-respectful and productive way we can tell someone who’s willing to listen that they’ve offended us is just to tell them, that what they’ve done or said is not okay, and why it’s not. The worst they can do is become belligerent. If they do, they’re showing us they’re not ready to listen, but they might be down for a screaming match or a fight. And in that situation, our best possible choice is to just let them be. Let them stand alone with that, let them shout it from literal or virtual rooftops, and let it be their problem. Don’t join them. If they’re threatening physical violence or a verbal assault, obviously get out. Putting yourself in a better place becomes the priority. But if they are ready to listen, kindly and respectfully explain what they can do better next time. And there’s no need to frame it as if they’ve offended every person in the world who sees things from your angle, that they need to make it up to every one of those people, and never get it wrong again. Just let them connect with you. Show them who you are. They’ll remember, and they can take their new knowledge with them.
Nothing expected, nothing owed, everything won.
So in closing, allow me to say something that is true. We’re all snowflakes, in a blanket of white. We’ve all been offended in the most intricate, delicate, and unique ways. Whether somebody made a remark about our race, religion, sex or gender, immigration or socioeconomic status, political viewpoint, ability, our body, our clothes, our occupation, where we live, our culture . . . directly or indirectly, we’ve all felt the sting, and felt defensive. And consequently we’ve all been offensive and cold. Whether we intended to be offensive or not, we’ve stung too. We’ve all been wrong, incorrect.
Now, allow me to say something that is helpful, inspiring, necessary, and kind.
Fortunately for all of us, being wrong is the only way to get it right.